I’ve been on a search for fall. It doesn’t matter that it’s 91 degrees outside or that we’re firmly in the dog days of summer or that it only really feels like fall in Los Angeles for two weeks in December. All that matters is my friends in Georgia started posting Back to School photos and Pottery Barn served me this ad, and I was off to the races.
First, let me clarify the kind of fall bitch I am. I’m a leaf-peeping, latte-drinking, apple-picking fall bitch. I’m not as much of a Halloween fall bitch. I love a pumpkin on the doorstep, but I think costumes should be reserved for children and dogs. (I’ve worn enough costumes doing sketch comedy to last a lifetime.) Even still, I started my quest for fall on the spooky side.
The Mystic Museum in Burbank is an oddities shop and museum devoted to the occult, paranormal, mystical, and all things horror. It’s on the same street as not one but two Halloween Town stores that are open year-round. It’s the kind of place that offers everything from tarot cards to antique medical devices and showcases real props from horror movies.
The museum puts up a series of rotating exhibits. Right now, the exhibit is Y2Kills, an immersive, interactive showcase featuring scenes from beloved horror movies from 2000-2010. We went into this exhibit having done not even a little research and not knowing what the theme was. I don’t think I even noticed the name Y2Kills. It was like wandering into the Met’s Costume Institute but never having heard of Anna Wintour. We walked from scene to scene, sticking a CD-Rom into computer drives that triggered special effects.
Finally, around this exhibit of American Psycho, it dawned on me what we were seeing. That’s how not a Halloween-bitch I am.
And, to be totally honest, I hadn’t even seen American Psycho. I was just aware of it from Bret Easton Ellis phase in college and because Newsies was responsible for my sexual awakening. Of all the movies on display, I’d seen exactly one: Shaun of the Dead. Still, it was fun and well done, and it felt kind of magical that something like this just quietly exists in a backroom in Burbank, made by creative people who care.
Afterwards, we hit up a Starbucks, even though we’re weeks away from Pumpkin Spice Anything. Jason went inside, and the place was packed with people working and not drinking coffee. The manager, who Jason said gave off Yes Chef The Bear vibes, took someone’s order and when they guy said “Just a water,” he deflated like it was his final reason. My frappuccino was good, though!
Later in the week, I dove head first into cooking a series of heavy fall foods inspired by a Food Network series of repackaged Ina Garten recipes that keeps popping up on my YouTube. There is nothing more healing when you’re out of work due to an industry-wide work stoppage than watching Ina Garten live the life you wish you had.
On Thursday, I asked Jason to pick up a steak from Handy Mart for beef stroganoff. Jason started going to Handy Mart because he heard Jay Leno goes to Handy Mart. I don’t know if it’s for the possibility of running into Jay Leno or if it’s just that the place has Jay Leno’s seal of approval. Either way, he’s never run into him, but we have seen him out in the wild, driving a classic car with the top down. At Handy Mart, Jason bonded with the butcher over a big, manly piece of sirloin. The butcher asked him if he was going to grill it, and when Jason said it was for beef stroganoff, this man looked at him, confused and hurt, the same way the way Starbucks manager reacted to the cup of water. But look at this meat:
I wrapped up my quest for autumn the best way I know how. By watching You’ve Got Mail. Don’t you just love New York in the fall? And don’t you just love the specific New York in the fall from You’ve Got Mail in Los Angeles in the heat of August? This time, Freddie barked every time Tom Hanks’ dog Brinkley was on screen, even though we assured him that Brinkley was just on TV and more importantly, probably died 15 years ago, and that’s being generous.
A week later and despite all my best efforts, fall is still nowhere to be seen, so I’m making Ina’s skillet-roasted lemon chicken for dinner. For now, that will have to do.
I don’t exactly miss being unemployed in NoHo, but there was something special about repeatedly spotting Jay near Circus Liquor & Don Zarape.
Dream day in Magnolia Park.